This time last week I was being released from the hospital. Prior to that my release I had suffered an acute pulmonary edema which was caused by walking pneumonia. It worst event ever. Had I not been admitted to the hospital in time my respiratory system and pulmonary system would have had a completely shut down, I came damn close though.
I was admitted on a Sunday night, which I barely remember between coughing up blood and gasping fits and falling unconscious, and I woke up on Tuesday evening. When I awoke I thought it was a Monday until the nurse told me what day it was. I spent a couple more days in the hospital then I was released on a Friday to care of my family. Thank goodness for family.
My eyes were in so much pain from coughing and gasping, blood vessels in my eyes burst turning them completely red, I had IV’s in my left and right arm yet when the nurse told me the date a hollow confusion filled my chest. After a bit, I realized that I had lost time and I had a feeling of being out of place. This blank space in my consciousness in regards to that particular missing time is still resounding in my mind. Why it matters to me, to know that experience of what was happening to me during that time, I’m also trying to figure that out too. I mean, during that time I was well taken care of (otherwise I would have likely died or maybe even severely crippled from lack of oxygen or a blood clot). Buy why do I need to know.
What is it about a need to know where one is at in time and place? Is it about being and presence? I thought about if my situation that time had become more complicated and I had expired. I would have never known but then again does one really want to be able to experience one’s own expiration? What would, if any, be the meaning of that?
Actually, now that I think of it, being present and conscious is important to me because (even though I don’t express it enough) doing so lets me know that I’m alive. Not knowing and being aware of where I was in place and time for me is akin to death. And that frightens me, the loss of my self and being.
‘Things’ have definitely changed for me, caused me to take pause and assess how I interact with my surroundings both logically and physically. Also, I feel stupid and guilty for not taking more action to experience this lifetime but it’s not too late. It took an event like this to make me realize this. Also, I want to pour more of myself into Philosophy. Because what is experience for if you can’t express to yourself and other what the experience is you are actually experiencing. Within that maybe we can find the better being within and reach an ultimate good before we expire. I think within Philosophy the tools to express experience are there and I plan to find them and use them.